Prepare for Zombie Apocalypse

So here it is. In case you were still thinking that a Zombie Apocalypse is just a joke, check this out. Now CDC, a government agency, has issued a guide for Zombie Apocalypse preparedness and mainstream media like Fix 'News' are reporting it. That means it's about as official as it gets. So what's going on?

I guess terrorism has become boring so now they're preparing zombies. And I mean preparing them, not preparing for them. You see, when the mainstream media and government agencies start warning you about something really weird, this usually means this thing is already set to be unleashed, all that's needed is to condition the public to certain ideas, so that later they accept whatever the official story is. Like they'll talk about Fukushima radiation in advance so that you get used to the idea that this could be something to turn people into zombies, so when you meet your first zombie friends on the street, you don't think that they were created in a US military laboratory [like most stupid and dangerous things] but must have been the result of radiation [namely Japanese radiation, don't even think it could be from US nuclear tests or US depleted uranium weapons or US anything, it's the evil Japanese and maybe Iran has something to do with it - we still have to get the bad, evil Iran, right?].

Anyway, as I have made it clear, there's no need to wait for the decaying Resident Evil zombies, the 21st century hi-tech zombies will do, once they get a bit starved or freaked out by a "random" [ie. well prepared] event. So at any rate, you'd better be prepared for all kinds of weird shit, including a Zombie Apocalypse.

So what are they saying you should do and have? Ok, water, food, medications, tools, that's clear. Next there's something about household bleach, soap and towels. Towel is clear; if you've read the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, you know why you need a towel. Household bleach? What the hell is that? I've never needed it so far, no reason I should need it when the fun starts. Soap, meh... have you ever noticed how Milla Jovovich looks much better when she's dirty? If you care too much about how clean you are, your zombie killing efficiency will drop to zero, cause you'll always be worried about how to hit them so that you don't get blood on yourself. Zombies will with all probability have no such problems, which will give them a great advantage. They are very straightforward - go and kill. If you can't do that faster than them, you're toast.

Sometimes you just don't have the time for soap anyway.

On that note, if you happen to be a good looking woman, the first thing you wanna do in any kind of apocalypse, is stop being good looking. While undead zombies couldn't care less about your looks, the living males will, and they'll notice soon enough that there's no police, no law, no punishment, and even in their small half-dead brains they will put the elements in this equation together. So ladies, in a ZA, don't trust any guys, no matter how nice they seem. The few possible exceptions might be those with a strong spiritual connection to the universe, high morals, and good fighting capabilities, like, say, the samurai. Good luck finding one of those.

"A change of clothes for each family member and blankets." Nonsense. Get one set of practical clothes and stick to it. It's not like you have two practical sets of clothes anyway. This is not a fashion show, it's a Zombie Apocalypse. If you can't run, jump from building to building, crawl, climb and swim in it, you don't need it. How often do you see the heroes of zombie movies change their clothes? Usually they don't have the time or chance to do it, even if they had the clothes with them. And I don't know who wants to carry around blankets, I'd say a sleeping bag is a lot more practical, but maybe the spoiled americans don't know what it is. One would almost expect the CDC to advise them heading to the nearest McDonald's. Oh well.

"Important documents"? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. In a Zombie Apocalypse you certainly don't need any documents whatsoever. I've never seen zombies stopping people and saying "show us your driver's license or we'll eat you." First of all, they can't read, and second, they don't even talk, duh. By the way, this is one of the best things about a Zombie Apocalypse - it's the end of bureaucracy and similar crap. You don't need any documents, you don't have to pay any taxes, you don't have to listen to any politicians and other clowns. It's just good old survival, freedom and fun. [The CDC even mentions birth certificate, I guess Obama is screwed then.]

Do they look like they want to see your ID?

"Once you've made your emergency kit, you should sit down with your family and come up with an emergency plan. This includes where you would go and who you would call if zombies started appearing outside your door step."
Well first of all, just like in any good megadisaster, you're not calling anyone because in the early stage, all lines are busy, and in the later stage, all lines are dead. In fact, if you wanna have any chance at all, you'd better start figuring out how to live without those stupid cellphones right now. I've never had one and I'm doing just fine, but it seems that most people go straight into panic / fear / despair / depression and other fun things within 24 hours of not being able to call anybody [in case of a real undead ZA it will be kind of zombies against zombies - the undead ones against the hi-tech ones; should be very entertaining for those of us who aren't in either of the groups].
As for an emergency plan, if you want to have a good chance of survival in a zombie scenario, you'd better be fully operational without a plan. Plans never really work out and the more critical a situation is, the less chance there is that anything will go as planned. Adaptability and improvisation are some of your best weapons, not only in a ZA. Seriously, the Toltec Path is about the best preparation for a ZA you can get.

Ok, back to CDC. They go about how everything's ok and they're ready for a ZA, bla bla. No they're not. They say "If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak." That investigation would either come to a dead end once they discover that anotehr government agency is responsible and the CIA is telling them to back off or else... or when they find out the cause, realize they can't do shit about it in time, and then absolutely do NOT tell the public because it "would cause panic." Which it probably would but the point is that CDC's investigation, if it happens at all, is of no use to you, ever.
"CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation." That's a blatant lie. This might work in case of light zombie infestation in one town somewhere, on condition the virus or whatever isn't spreading too quickly. But if we're talking about Zombie Apocalypse, the CDC or any other agency will have as much trouble as anyone else saving their own asses.

If you see this from your window, the CDC is not coming.

So anyway, let's forget about CDC's Preparedness 101, but since they brought this whole thing up, the HKDC feels obliged to provide at least a few tips. Here's all the basic information you need to know in 3 points:

1. There are zombies everywhere.
2. They will kill you any chance they get.
3. Nobody is coming to help you, especially not government agencies of any kind.

That's it. Simple. You have to quickly distinguish between what's useful behaviour and what's not. Going around asking other people "How could this have happened?" or "How is this possible?" is probably the most useless thing to do. And pretty annoying too. So don't even think about asking anybody something that dumb. In fact, don't ask anybody anything, because everybody has plenty of questions, just like you, and no answers. You can't seriously expect somebody to say "Oh I know this, it's the Zombie Apocalypse, we had one of those in our town a couple of years back" and then give you precise instructions on what you should do. Forget questions. Just sit tight for a minute, look around at what's going on, and instead of how it happened think about what you're gonna do.

If by any chance you're wondering what the government is doing, I can tell you. They're heading to their "secret" underground bases where they will drink their Martini [or whatever crap they drink these days] and crack jokes about how it sucks to be you "ordinary" people. Seriously. They've been building these underground bases for decades because they [well some of them] know a lot of things you don't. Just do a search on "government underground bases" and read a bit. They were not build directly for a ZA but they will definitely be used during one. So that's what they'll be doing. As for yourself...

As I mentioned earlier, you don't call anybody, it's a waste of time. Even if you miraculously managed to get through to somebody, the conversation would go something like this:
- [name], are you alright?
- I don't know... what's going on? There are weird people killing other people! It's crazy.
- Shit. It's the same here!
- It's over there too? What's going on?!
- I don't know, something happened, maybe some virus, are you safe?
- Safe? I don't know! They're... everywhere!
- You need to get to a safe place and stay there!
- I can't get anywhere! OMG! They're here!
- [name]!! What's going on?! Are you ok?
- [inconsistent babbling] They're coming for me! [screaming and noise]
- [name]!!! Get out of there!!
- [%$&^%#*!] I can't... [scream] Graaaaaaaaaaarrrrhhhh!!! [crunchy sound of phone breaking]
- [name]!!! Can you hear me?!

Nope. Can't hear you. You must be feeling happy your call got connected though. But hey, it's the better scenario, in the other one it was you who got eaten during the call 'cause in your ecstasy over getting connected you weren't paying attention to your surroundings. But most likely you won't reach anyone anyway. I'm hoping you're not stupid enough to actually try calling the cops.

So right after not calling you move on to not getting in a car, 'cause you wouldn't get anywhere. You've probably noticed the traffic usually sucks even without an apocalypse making it much worse. Apocalypse traffic is stuck at level zero. So you walk. That is if you really need to get somewhere, which, during a Zombie Apocalypse, is usually pretty pointless because any place is as bad as any other. But if you have kids under 12-15 [older ones know a lot more about dealing with zombies than you do so don't worry about them] you'll probably wanna get to them no matter what. So you walk. Or rather run, if possible. They'd better not be too far.

But before you charge into the streets, there's something the CDC forgot to mention. Weapons. You can't go out into a ZA without a weapon. Now we're talking about undead zombies here, ones that should be dead in the first place, so it's ok to kill them. If it's just ordinary 21st century high-tech "zombies" in a state of global panic, we don't support any killing, for the record. So right now we're talking about undead zombies, since the CDC brought that up. On the other hand, if the high-tech zombies get really crazy and decide to kill you for whatever stupid reason [which is a plausible scenario], the difference between them and the undead ones becomes a bit blurry. Use discernment.

So what weapons should you get? As any experienced apocalypse warrior knows, the best weapon against zombies is a katana. Other kinds of swords will do as well. Bringing a gun to a zombie fight is like bringing a knife to a gun fight. It's kind of reversed in this case. Zombies tend to ignore bullets even in large amounts. As much as they may try to ignore their own head getting cut off, if they can still move after that, their killing efficiency drops significantly. The ultimate weapon is a flamethrower but you certainly don't wanna carry that shit around, unless you're Arnold Schwarzenegger before he got into politics. So aside from swords, you'll have to improvise with whatever you can get your hands on. Knives may be good but you need some skills for them. They're too close range and zombies tend to be pretty strong for some odd reason and largely indifferent to any injuries that don't separate their heads from their bodies. Axes can be good, but they're either too small [so same as knives] or too heavy, so again you need some skills or a lot of strength. Generally you'll do best with any long blunt weapons that don't break - if you can't get long sharp weapons. A metal pole is good, might even work to smash their heads into oblivion. But mostly blunt weapons will only serve to slow them down and push them away, so you gotta move on fast.

Running through a zombie crowd with blunt weapons.

So you have a weapon and you're on your way to get your kids or something. Zombies everywhere, people screaming, places burning, blood everywhere... prefect day to test your physical condition. Oh by the way, another really stupid thing to do during a ZA is to go to a supermarket. If you're not in one when it starts, it's too late to go there. They'll all be a freaking mess in 10 minutes and since dumb people will keep coming there for a long time, the zombies will make them their first permanent bases. Zombies are attracted to supermarkets like the US military to oil rich countries.

Now, before you run into the streets, get your priorities straight:

1. At all times be aware of everything in a few meters radius around you. All directions!
2. Get to your target location as quickly as possible. Avoid zombies rather than fighting them whenever you can. Stay on foot.
3. Choose your route well, no narrow spaces or possible dead ends. A longer path may be faster if there's enough space. Zombies, however, suck at climbing, swimming, and possibly jumping, so you can make use of that.
4. Don't help anybody on the way, unless you can do it under 30 seconds and they can take care of themselves after that. There are millions of people out there who need help, and if you start helping them, you'll never get to your kids. Besides, if they can't make it through the first day on their own, they won't last through the first week anyway. Tough world. Get used to it.
5. Once you get the hang of navigating through a zombie crowd and blocking out all the screaming and stuff, start observing the zombies...

Observing the zombies is the key to your survival. You have to know your enemies in order to be able to defeat them. Know their strong points and their weaknesses. How fast they are, how smart, how well they see and hear, how hard it is to confuse them, can they use tools, can they cooperate, do they have any preferences in choosing their victims etc. All those things will help you figure out how to best deal with them.

Don't really hold your breath for finding your kids. A proper Zombie Apocalypse is about losing everything and everyone and then finding new people, whom you can't trust at all, because their Service to Self nature is only amplified by the circumstances. But still, these freaked out, backstabbing little rats are your best friends now. If you don't like it, you should have enjoyed your life while it was easy, instead of bitching about everything while not doing shit about it.

You may theoretically come across some Service to Others types as well, but they're about as rare as those samurai... well, basically the same group of people. It would be great to find some nice and strong people, but ask yourself honestly: can you say you're one of those? Can you be an example for the others? Because if not, then then you can't expect much of them.

Forming a good team of apocalypse warriors is a great thing, but it's very difficult to find them.

If you happen to find your kids or even whole family, good for you. It will make your survival that much harder. If you don't, at least your survival will be easier. There's always some upside and downside to everything in life.

Once you stop looking for peolpe, either because you've found them [fat chance] or because they're dead... or undead, a whole new part of your life opens before you. It's called staying alive. This may be difficult at first and many people who survived the first day will be dropping dead like flies in the weeks to come. That can, however, be avoided with a good strategy.

You have to realize that the world is simply different now. Completely different. You might as well be on another planet. Thinking the way you used to think will only get you killed. Many survivors of the initial zombie attack have this urge to do something, to go somewhere, dwelling on the idea that someone somewhere will "help" them. I'm not really sure what help they expect. Like they find the cops or the army and say: "Oh god day, officer. I need to expel a few million zombies from my city, resupply the supermarkets, get my job back on track and clean up all this mess. Oh and I think they broke my TV so I need a new one. Can you do something about that?"

The only thing people need helping with or saving from, apocalypse or not, is their own stupidity. But that's a bit difficult when their stupidity is standing in the way of anybody trying to help them. It's kind of like trying to talk the zombies out of eating people's brains. Anyway, there's nobody anywhere eager to help you with anything. There's nothing "better" waiting for you anywehre. If you've been in one location for a few hours without being attacked, you're probably in a pretty good place. Stay there and stay quiet. Zombie Apocalypse teaches you about patience, among other things. Don't worry, you won't miss any TV programmes. There aren't any.

All you really have to do for the next few days, is securing water and food. Once you have that, you're best off not doing anything unnecessary. Stay in one place quietly, be alert, and if possible, make it a place from which you can watch the zombies outside. You'll have plenty of time observing their habits. On that note, getting binoculars somewhere on the way would be cool. It's one of the few things useful in a ZA. Flashlights are usually desired but they draw attention so I recommend using them as little as possible. Anything that uses batteries is a bother anyway. Electronics malfunction at the worst of times and batteries run out when you least need it. Old school approach works best, no fancy shit, make use of any ordinary things you find lying around and improvise.

As for how to fill your time when there's nothing to do, here's a tip. When you get bored with watching zombies, just sit down and meditate. It has a number of beneficial effects.
1. It kills time.
2. It helps you relax and you sure as hell need that.
3. It will reduce stress and improve your physical health as well.
4. It will give you a chance to think about your situation much more calmly and meaningfully.
5. It will help you reflect on what your life is really about, what matters and what doesn't.
6. You might even discover some deep truths about life, universe and everything.

Hell, I'm thinking you might use a little dose of a ZA right now. An hour of meditation every day will give you a completely different outlook on things and your situation will not seem like a disaster anymore, but more like an interesting challenge [had you known something about the Toltec Path, you'd have understood all these things in the first place]. Give it a few days, maybe weeks, and it may even start to seem like fun. When you calm down and get used to things, you can start going outside doing experiments.

Go to an open area with only a few zombies roaming around and start engaging them in your experiments. Get near one and see how they react. You can handle one zombie at a time so it's not very dangerous. See what you can do about them, if they can be confused, distracted by various things, push them away with your weapon repeatedly and see if they change their approach or just keep endlessly going forward and being pushed back. Lead them around and see how hard it's for them to follow you. Put obstacles in their path to learn which ones are difficult for them to overcome. Test their climbing, swimming and jumping abilities. Maybe you'll find out some games you can play with them. Use your imagination. [If you don't have any, you're basically on their level and deserve to be bitten because nobody will be able to tell the difference anyway.]

After a month or two when you get bored with simple experiments, go into more challenging stuff. Make up tasks for yourself just for fun. Get a long rope and see how many zombies you can tie together and then watch them. It will be fun, you'll see. Start setting up traps for them. Decide to clean a specific area of all zombies, even if it's just for one day. There's plenty of stuff to do and an almost unlimited amount of zombies to experiment with. Just judge your abilities well and don't get overly self-confident, one wrong step may be your last.

Jumping from buildings to escape zombies may work in movies but don't try it at home.

If you get this far, you're pretty much ready for a post apocalyptic life of fun and adventure. You'll realize that you're more alive than you've ever been, undisturbed by all the retarded crap this pathetic society is throwing at you 24/7. When you get bored with your place, go out and explore. There are plenty of interesting places you've never been to and now you won't have to pay any entrance fee to get there. You'll just need to knock down a few zombies guarding the entrance. But by now, that's just a daily routine, hardly worth talking about.

Experienced apocalypse warriors will venture just about anywhere. Notice they don't use any electronics.

So that's the basics. There's likely more to come in the near future. In the meantime, work on your dezombification.

VotN, 2011-05-20
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